That's What She Said
by kaileytalks
Summary: In a world where no on is who they are portrayed to be...James attempts to finally get with Lily and goes to drastic measures to get what he wants. It won't be that easy with Snape, Lily's stalker, in the way. Meanwhile chaos insues with the others... R
1. Heilige Scheiße

**Hai you gaiz. There are two of us writing this amazing story. Each chap will be different yo. This is our first Harry Potter fic. Be nice to us. We like HP btwww.  
We don't own Harry Potter and all the jazz. Enjoy this spiffy story yo.  
Any thing you hear that sounds familiar…we don't own it.**

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Chapter 1

Lily strutted down the hallway like it was a catwalk, her best friend Brunonia in tow.

"Lyk, omg Brunie, Potter wuz lyk…sturing at me agin. We all knw he iz a play boy. Y wld he want to go out with a sexy, hawt, perfect, gurl lyk me?" Lily fluttered her eye lashes pathetically.

"Haß des Gottes I Sie," Brunonia replied, rolling her eyes at her "bfffffl".

Finally the two arrived at The Great Hall because apparently they were going there. They walked toward the Gryffindor table and sat down. Lily picked up a piece of toast and stared at it.

"omggg. I'm gunna git fat cuz of this lyk omg."

"Heilige Scheiße." Brunonia replied scooping eggs and bacon into her plate.

--

Down the table…

"Oh gawsh you guys…I think I might have split ends!" Sirius squealed looking at his face in the back of a spoon.

Remus rolled his eyes and continued gaze at his knife hopefully. If he could just reach over without being seen then maybe he would get a chance to relieve his emo pain. He was just about to grab the knife when he was interrupted by Peter whining.

"James, you shouldn't be kissing that girl like that. You should stay pure, like me. Oh my gosh. Was that your tongue? I think I need to pray. God needs to forgive you for your sins…" He pulled out a bible and started mumbling psalms under his breath.

James just continued sucking face with the girl in front of him. He was the notorious play boy, pimp, jock of the school. He was the semi-leader of his group "The Marauders." They consisted of himself, Sirius Black; the metro who cared more about his appearance then anything else, Remus Lupin; The emo, alcoholic, druggy, and Peter Pettigrew; the pure kid who did no wrong and only owned tight pants.  
James eventually detached his mouth from the girls face and looked down the table at his one true love Lily Evans.

"She is so bloody brilliant. You know I would so snog her any day, ay?"

"Righto James!" exclaimed Peter. "Let's leave out the snogging though, okay? That is very degrading towards women. God wouldn't approve." He nodded his head gravely and then looked down at his plate of food and continued eating.

James ignored Peter then turned back to his girl of the day…or was it hour? Anyway, he turned back to the girl and raised an eyebrow at her.

"Listen here girl, I am done with you for today…go and do something." He waved her off.

She glared and stomped down the table to sit next to her friends. James sat down at his place and started stuffing his pie hole with tons o' food. Peter eyed his plate and reached his hand over towards it.

"You gonna finish that mate?" He questioned. There was plenty of food in front of him but he wanted James' because he admired him…in a totally straight way.

"That's what she said." James grinned at his friends. Apparently he was being funny. Who knew?

"Oh goodness gracious!" Cried Peter in surprise. "That was horrible! Do you know how bad that is? Oh my, Oh my…my pure ears…my poor, poor, innocent ears!"

Remus moaned in agony. He hated his life. He pretty much hated everything. He just wanted to jump off of the Astronomy Tower and end his existence. He glared around the table at his friends. Why couldn't they just let him kill himself? He continued brooding in his thoughts as Peter started eating food off his plate.

"Dear Lord Peter!" screeched Sirius loudly, since he was in a very emotional state. "You are going to get even fatter then you already are! Even this little piece of toast is going to go straight to your hips! Oh, this is terrible! My beautiful face is getting greasy just thinking about it."

Peter stood up and struck a pose. His fat rolls hanging over his extra tight pants (the ladies dug it). He had a muffin top. Sirius almost puked.

"I think I look gorgeous!" He cried enthusiastically, rotating his hips in a happy dance. His fat rolls jiggled with him.

Sirius gagged.

--

At the Slytherin table…

Severus Snape sniffed his food. He always did this because Thugs sometimes tried poisoning what he ate. He had a bad rep because Snape was a hardcore Gangsta. He started eating but kept his eyes up scanning his table for any suspicious fools.

"So Severus, are you coming to the Death Eater meeting?" Questioned Lucius Malfoy, Snape's upper classmen.

Snape turned his head quickly and stared at him. His nostrils flared…he had realllly big nostrils.

"Tha'd be off da chain yo, na mean?"

Lucius blinked and turned around quickly. Snape was something of a freak. Why was he associating with him again? Snape just continued eating his food and looking around distrustfully. He had a long day ahead of him. He had to watch his back for Wankstazz trying to hustle him out of his bling. You know what I'm saying? Cause I don't even know…

--

**Okay…that was the first chapter. Seriously, we don't even know the plot to this story…we just wrote crap. Well, enjoy the randomness. This was made out of boredom.**

**James- Pimp, Jock, dude.  
Sirius- Metro (lulz)  
Remus- Emo, druggy, and alcoholic all in one. Still hasn't been able to kill himself.  
Peter- Based off those Jonas Brothers. I have no idea why. We felt like it. We like to make fun of them…  
Lily- Valley girl  
Brunonia- German, no one understands her.  
Snape- Gangsta**

German translation:

**Haß des Gottes I Sie- God, I hate you.  
****Heilige Scheiße- Holy Shizz.  
******

Gangsta Translation:

**Gangsta- member of a gang  
Off the chain- Great event.  
Na mean?- You know what I mean…basically.  
Wanksta- Wannabe Gangsta  
Hustle-swindle or cheat  
Bling- jewelry…**


	2. Sie nahm meine Aufkleber!

We don't own Harry and stuff… duh. Oh, we have nothing against Christians or gay people. We're just trying to make you smile.

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Chapter 2

It was 11:59pm and James was sitting on the edge of his bed, watching the clock on the table beside him. He got up and walked to the bathroom. To his not-surprise, Sirius was already in there doing his midnight facial and painting his toenails. They were hot pink- his favorite.

"Today's the day!" James exclaimed.

"Oh goody!" Sirius squealed with excitement. "You're going to help me wax my back?"

"Um… sure."

"Really?!?" Sirius cried, extremely taken back.

"Absolutely not."

"Then what is oh-so-special occasion, you silly goose?"

"Today is the day that…"

*dun duh duuuuuuun*

"I am going to ask Lily Evans out." concluded James.

"Why didn't I guess? James, honey, you been saying that everyday for seven years!" said the still-toe painting-Sirius.

James walked back to his bed, got in, and pulled the covers hard, making a random sleeping girl fall out of his bed.

"Jamieeee!" the random girl (whose name was Candy or something, James wasn't sure) whined, rubbing her head.

"Get out." James said "I'm done with you now."

He rolled over to sleep, but Peter was snoring and mumbling in his sleep.

*snore* abstinence… pure… Christianity *snore* bible…pews…Jesus…Jonas…*snore*

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8am

James awoke bright an early that day to see if he could sneak into the girls dormitory, not before he put on his best "sexy-man" shirt, as he dubbed it.

As soon as he opened the closet door, he was greeted with the sight of Remus Lupin. His head was inside of a hanger and the hanger was hanging off a bar in the closet. This was obviously some sort of death plan. It wasn't working very well, though. Remus was too heavy for the hanger to support and it snapped and did not do any damage.

"Oh…hey Remus. Umm…have fun." said James, looking down at Remus on the closet floor. He closed the door and walked off.

'Why can't I die?' thought Remus dejectedly, sitting in the dark confines of the closet. 'I hate you, oh cruel world.' and with that he attempted to cut himself with his wand.

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Lily looked into her mirror wondering why she ate that bite of toast yesterday.

"Sirius wuz rite" she squealed, "It did go 2 mi hipz!"

"Du bist ein Weibchen," Brunonia remarked. "Moobs." She said in English. This was the only English word she knew.

"I have wu-ut?" Lily squeaked.

"Sterben."

"Gawsh Brunnnie u can b such a bitch! Well whuteva. Lets go down 2 teh gr8 hall so I can eet a salad."

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A first year strolled down the hallway to his next class. He was too busy reading a book to notice the dark figure standing off to the side.

"Heh…heh…," chuckled Dumbledore. "Such a cute little kiddlet." He continued to watch the student creepily.

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James sighed and looked down at his plate of steak and his vitamin shake.

"Lily…why didn't she show up yet? I came to the Great Hall 3 minutes early today…"

"Don't worry James, sweetie. Lily will show up in no time!" Sirius encouraged, picking at his one measly kipper.

"James, I really do think this is a brilliant idea," Peter mumbled, eggs and other identifiable food bits falling out of his mouth. "You are finally going to stick with one girl!"

"Oh…what?" asked James, detaching himself from some chick he was just kissing.

"Oh sweet Jesus!" exclaimed Peter. He grabbed a bible from his bag and started praying under his breath.

Remus moaned from his place at the table. He was sporting red weld marks around his neck.

James stood up and looked toward the entry way of the Great Hall. It all seemed to happen in slow motion as Lily waltzed through the door looking like a supermodel (in his eyes).

He walked over to her as if in a trance, his mouth hanging open and a bit of drool hanging out.

Lily raised a perfect eyebrow at James.

"Can I hlp u?" she asked.

"You're smexy." he blurted out stupidly. Only being in Lily's presence could make him turn into an idiot (or even bigger idiot).

"…lyk omg. thnx." she smiled at him, then flipped her hair over her shoulder and walked off with Brunonia behind her.

James scampered back to his table.

"Did you ask her out?" questioned Sirius.

"…oh crap. I forgot."

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"Oh Lily…I love you…," Snape grumbled into his pillow, which had the face of his beloved Lily imprinted on it. "You will be mah gangsta shawty."

Snape suddenly snapped up from his place on his bed.

"My Lily senses are tingling."

He immediately bolted from the room and ran to the Great Hall, just in time to witness James Potter, his worst enemy, hit on _his _imaginary girlfriend and future wife.

"Oh no he di-int. That foo is goin down, ya hurr?" he grabbed a piece of parchment from his bag (which he had brought with him I guess) and started to write down a plan against James Potter, but not before he skimmed the ground for any of Lily's stray hairs.

tbc…

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**This was chapter two. It was random. Enjoy it. Tell us what you think of it, even a one word review is appreciated. We finally figured out a plot.**

**Brunnie Translation:**

**Du bist ein Weibchen – You're a betch.**

**Sterben – Die.**

**Gangsta translation:**

**shawty- Shorty, girl.**

**foo- fool**

**hurr- hear**


	3. Ihr Gesicht

Hey yo, we don't own Harry Potter. Enjoy our wonderful story of awesomeness. All three of us did parts in this chapter. We have different writing stylessss.  
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He slid the cold hard wood further down his esophagus, inching more and more until he could almost taste it. So close to his tragic death. He could feel the dementor of death coming for him at last.

"Oh my gosh, Remy! What are you doing sugar pie?" Sirius exclaimed, rushing to his side and putting down his mag (man-bag).

Remus hacked up his wand quickly and turned towards his girly friend.

"I'm trying to kill myself, and it's harder than it looks." Remus replied.

From somewhere off in the common room…"That's what she said!" shouted James.

"Oh Remus honey, you shouldn't kill yourself. You have like…so much to live for," Sirius consoled his beastly pal, patting his back gently.

"Like what?" Remus retorted in agony.

"Um…like…umm…like…umm…girls?" Sirius questioned half-heartedly, his eye slightly twitching.

"Uh…sure. Girls…sexy…-cough-," Remus

"Oh yeah…great," Sirius agreed, his eyelid having a mini seizure.

That was when the two realized that Sirius still had his hand on Remus' back. They sprang apart like they were being burned and avoided each others eyes.

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Brunnie looked over her shoulder anxiously. She was hiding from her rabid friend Lily Evans in some corridor she thought was far away from her. She didn't want to be noticed because she did not want to try on anymore body glitter. Brunnie almost cried when she saw Lily hop out from behind a portrait and chase her down.

"Süsser Jesus helfen mir! (Sweet Jesus save me)" Brunnie shrieked running in the opposite direction her "friend" was coming.

"Brunonia! Wait for me! We have to try on this glitter. It will make us look hot and all of the guys will like us!" Lily was faster than expected and caught up to Brunnie in no time.

"die Energie von Christ zwingt Sie (The power of Christ compels you)." Brunnie held up her fingers in an "x" shape.

"Oh Brunnie! Stop running away. Even though I genuinely do not actually like James, I am by the force of nature going to ultimately end up with him so I have to accept that and look good for him so he can make a move." Lily said all in one breath.

Brunnie sighed and let herself be dragged away by her prep of a gal pal.

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"Okay Remus, can you say 'I love unicorns and bunny rabbits'?" Sirius asked his sullen buddy.

"… Why would I want to say that?" Remus asked hesitantly as he picked the excess fluff out of the couch in the common room absentmindedly.

"So you can love life, silly willy!" Sirius said slapping Remus on the shoulder playfully, his hand lingering there for a millisecond. Remus noticed, he tried to ignore the tingling sensation that appeared after Sirius' hand left.

"But I don't _want_ to love life! I _want_ to die!" Remus shouted miserably.

And with that he left Sirius alone on the couch.

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"No. Its pronounced 'ahb-sten-nence'," Peter explained to Brunonia over lunch.

James sat next to Peter (surprisingly without a girl) tuning out all things that had to do with "pure." He was too busy stuffing his face to pay attention anyways.

"If you learn this word, you will have a place with God when you die. Isn't that great!? He will love you forever." Peter exclaimed in excitement, bits of his breakfast flying out of his mouth and spewing across the table.

Brunonia stayed quiet, thinking Peter would stop talking to her if she did. He was very creepy and breathed loudly. It probably was because he was wearing extra tight pants, but who knows for sure.

"Aaaah-bstiii-neeeence," Peter tried again, thinking he was really making a difference in her speech.

"She isn't going speak, we all know that German chicks are only good at one thing," implied James as he winked across the table at Brunnie.

Brunonia looked at him for a second before picking up her fork and throwing it at his face.

"YOU BLEMISHED MY FLAWLESS SKIN!" He cried once the fork hit him. "It will take months of moisturizing to get it back to perfection."

"Oh James, I told you to read my bible, but did you listen?" Peter scolded.

"Shut up you tub of lard." James huffed before standing up and running out of the hall like a sissy.

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"Sir, why did you need to see me in your office alone?" questioned a student towards his headmaster.

"Ehehehehehehehehehe," Dumbledore chuckled suspiciously.

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"Okay, it says here in Witch Weekly, that if you pamper yourself, then you will love yourself," stated Sirius thumbing through his magazine on his bed.

"Uuugh. Just leave me alone," Remus moaned into his pillow, thinking that if he buried his head deep enough he would suffocate.

"Oh goody. This is a good idea. We can do facials!" squealed Sirius excitedly.

Remus lifted his head from his pillow and raised an eyebrow at his friend.

"Uhhh…I mean totally manly facials…macials." Sirius said quickly.

"I don't want a macial…I just want to jump into the lake and drown."

Sirius rolled his eyes and went into the bathroom to prepare for his friends healing session.

James finally arrived in his room shrieking.

"Sirius! Sirius! My face, my beautiful sexy handsome striking gorgeous stunning dazzling outstanding remarkable carved by angels face!" James sobbed, running towards his bed.

"That's great!" Sirius replied, stepping out of the bathroom with a bowl that he was floating next to him, mixing itself. "We're going to have macials done. You can join us."

"Uhh," James stuttered. " Are these incredibly-manly-straight-macials?"

Sirius' eye twitched slightly. "Only the manliest." he replied.

The three (Remus reluctantly) sat down to have their macials done.

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"Lily…oh Lily…Why can't you love me? Why?" Snape hissed, scrawling on his potions book 'SS + LE.' "I swear one day you shall be mah shawty and we shall defy all the hatahs."

Snape was luckily alone. He kneeled in front of his bed and pulled a box out from underneath it. It was labeled. 'My one true gangsta love, Lily.' Inside it contained so many strands of hair if could make a wig for a midget, one of Lily's missing teeth, one of her heels, a napkin Lily had used, numerous pictures of Lily, and Lily's fingernail. Snape picked up the hair and sniffed it.

"It's almost time for us to be together mah shawty…," he chuckled to himself, and with that he pushed the box back under his bed so he could plan

TBC….

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Okay, We decided for Lily to talk normally because it was getting annoying typing her words in chat speak. We added new authors to the story so we are getting even more help. Can't wait for the next chap. yay.


	4. Abscheulichen Schneemann in Weste

**Abscheulichen Schneemann in Weste**

**(Abominable Snowman in Vest)**

"Okay, class" began Professor Jesus, "We are going to review for our Abstinence Quiz."

"Oh goodie! I'm going to totally ace this!" Peter whispered to his neighbor in the front row, Brunie (Peter always got to Abstinence Class early. _Really early_. Incidentally, Peter had taken this class every term since he started Hogwarts).

"Moobs."

"Brunie, I am just so thrilled that you are taking this class! I prayed about it ever since I met you!"

She blinked. "Was auch immer. Ich bin ein Sünder." (* "Whatever. I'm a sinner.")

"Enthaltsamkeit! Kind des Herrn." (* "Abstinence! Child of God.") Peter said, mispronouncing words.

"Sie können nicht deutsch sprechen Sie Stiefmütterchen," (* You can't speak German, you pansy.") Brunie replied, clearly annoyed, moving to sit next to Candy.

"Okay class, like I always say: YOU MUST STAY PURE OR GOD WILL MURDER YOU!"

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Snape was looking in his mirror fixing his 'do rag and talking to his life-sized Lily sculpture. This prized possession of his was recently completed when he added extra strands of Lily's hair, one of her old uniforms, used tissues, and even a booger (plus all of the things he already had from when they were kids).

"Lily mah shawty, we will go on the most pimpin' study date in da library. 'Nuff said dawg. Word."

He practiced his speech a couple more times and then stalked off creepily to find his Lily-darling.

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"Remy, you're laaaaate. That _will not do!_ I need to rehabilllllitate youuuuu. First of all, you need to stop smoking pot. That's probably half of the reason you are crazy."

Remus rubbed his bloodshot eyes and made his bottle disappear magically. He didn't want this to take long; he had better things to be doing right now: like trying to get the Whomping Willow to pierce his heart and end his continuation in life.

"Ughhhhhh." Remus moaned.

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Lily was frenzied. She had just seen two eyes watching her through the book shelf for the tenth time this week. Something was definitely up.

"Bruuuuuuunie! Help! A ghost! I was just reading in the library reading "How to be Sexy for Dummies" and these huuuuge eyes were, like, tooootally checking me out!"

She hurled out from around a corner and slipped on a banana peel. The peel in question was undoubtedly Dumbledore's; he'd just finished teaching a Sex Ed class and apparently hungry… Since this is our story and we can control these random events, she just-so-happen-edly fell into Peter, whose head was down in prayer, which broke her fall.

"PETER! Watch where you're going you chunky triple-chinned dork! Waaaaaaait. You couldn't perform an exorcism for me could you?"

Peter's eyes lit up at the opportunity. He could see it now…

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